- Know you're worthy of receiving, and giving, the best: You deserve to have the "best of your life" each time; and. you could also give that to your partner. You are your partner's ideal lover.
- Nothing is forbidden between the two of you: Relax your inhibitions, actually, fling them. Whatever brings you both pleasure is perfect, and should be embraced, and performed, in the bedroom. There's no room for shame. The right partner will always be along for the ride.
- Be present (is there really anything you'd rather be doing?): In casting your inhibitions aside, surrender to the moment, be wholly in the present. When you're surrendered to the present, your more attune to your needs, and your partner's, which will only maximize your enjoyment. Really, there's no other place you'd rather be; so, stay firmly in it.
- Make their satisfaction, your satisfaction: Sure, you want to get off; but, make your partner's enjoyment–whether or not you're in a committed relationship–the objective too. Shared climax delivers the biggest payoff.
- Make the fantasy, your reality: Why should the best sex only be in your dreams? You both can attain it. Talk about your needs, and remember what really turned you, and your partner, on the most. Not only can you attain it; you deserve it. Set the stage, and set the mood, for bringing your best to life.
- See it as finding another state of being: The French term, le petite mort, translates to "the little death" in English, specifically in describing the post-climax, post-orgasm, feeling as that of a little death (Mallari, 2022; Zóltak, 2023). It doesn't have to be. Great sex, especially with a trusted partner, could be life-changing as you deepen your bond, and discover new facets of yourself. Don't see sex as the end; it is the entrée to a new state of being.
Zóltak, K. (2023). Orgasms as the little death: The way we speak of orgasms matters. https://sexcoachu.com/orgasm-little-death/
20 Comments
Greta Sjorgen
I had to check this post too...How do you talk to your partner about your needs?
Seminal Wellness Team
Thanks for the question, and for checking this post out too ;-) We always appreciate our audience. You can have any conversation, even about sensitive or heavy topics, if you make it as casual and unpressured as possible. Your sexual preferences and desires are no exception. At a time when your partner's relaxed,approach them suggestively, "come on" to them, or initiate and say something like, "I love when we (or you) do this, but could we try..." and begin demonstrating. First, you're validating them as an excellent lover, and you're also inviting them to the "party," beckoning them to come along for the ride. This will make them more likely to try (who would pass that up?) and because there's agency, it was their choice, they're more likely to enjoy it and continue doing it. After climax, during the "afterglow" mention (or show) how you really liked it, and let them know how great they were to you. Okay, it's more show-and-tell than conversation; but, you're communicating your needs. Actions also speak louder--and can feel much better--than words. I hope this helps. Thanks again.
Danisha
I haven't dated for a while, and honestly I'm a little nervous to get back in it. What should I do?
Seminal Wellness Team
Don't be Danisha. Sex is like riding a bike; once you do it once, you'll never forget how. Even though it's been a while, your greater maturity, and what you have experienced, will have made you a better lover, increasing your enjoyment and your ability to give to your partner. In the intervening time, subconsciously, you've learned more about what you want and can sense better what your partner would want, and what you both need. I know you're better than you were before. With the right person, you won't have any nerves. You'll be excited to be with that person; and, they'll be lucky to have you. Thanks for being candid. Stay open. It'll be great for both of you.
Adrien
It's gonna get hot if my Chiefs win tonight...What foods are aphrodisiacs?
Seminal Wellness Team
Nine months after the Super Bowl, the winning team typically experiences a bump in the birthrate ;-) If you don't have Seminal's Epiglow on hand--the link's above, and it's on sale--nuts (be mindful of any allergies), fruits, dark chocolate, and, if you , choose, moderate alcohol can get you in the mood, and you enhance your performance. Almonds, walnuts, and hazelnuts, especially, help your circulation, allowing blood to better pump around the body. Avocados (yep, lightly seasoned guac is perfect), pomegranates, and berries--including blackberries and strawberries)--maximize climax, promote testosterone (which can turbo-charge your sex drive), and aid in maintaining erections, respectively. Dark chocolate may boost your mood. A couple of drinks--really, only a couple--can temper the inhibitions, relax you, and allow you to be solidly (okay, pun intended) in the moment. Additionally, truffles emit pheromones, which turn us on, and are replete with antioxidants, minimizing inflammation in the body. Basically, don't have too much of the slathered stuff... Enjoy the game, and have an even better night.
Lea Pham
What should we do for Valentine's Day?
Seminal Wellness Team
Do something completely different--positions, places, etc. You could even integrate substances, psychedelics (e.g., psilocybin) into foreplay. Be adventurous. Just ensure they're things that satisfy both of you. Happy Valentine's Day!
Vanessa R.
I saw the IG post...So I should just hook up and take Valentine's Day off?
Seminal Wellness Team
;-) It's Valentine's Day; so, showing love to a partner or to yourself should be worked in your schedule (even if it's Wednesday). Tend to your responsibilities, but love is always a priority. Get lit this Valentine's Day. Today's also Ash Wednesday...
Kalen
I just checked it. It should have been a video. Chicka chicka bow wow...
Seminal Wellness Team
Working on that for the never-to-be SeminalDL YouTube channel :-D
Anonymo
I'll bring this back, or maybe I won't. I'm a guy in my early thirties, and sometimes I can't maintain it or get it up. I'm pretty fit, I don't think I have medical issues, but you can understand this bothers me. Do I need to take medications or are there homeopathic, holistic ways to manage this?
Seminal Wellness Team
You definitely brought it back. Thanks for the important question. You definitely should be evaluated by your healthcare provider to ensure there aren't underlying medical or physiological issues; but, this may be more an issue of stress. You may be more "wound up" and anxious than you think, even with balancing everything. Before you start the day, take a few minutes to reflect, meditate, and reconnect. Not only will this calm you down, it will set the stage for your body to keep focused throughout the day, even when it gets crazy. Take a minute or two during lunch (if you can't steal away in your office, sneak into the restroom) and do it again before you head home--before the drive or the commute. This will get you to your best for the night ahead--for yourself and your partner. A prayer, asking to be calm and at your best--in the morning, afternoon, and evening--asking the Universe to guide you will also help too. When I wanted to get a better night's sleep, honestly this helped me. You want to be open. Diet will also help, especially circulation. Nuts, once you're not allergic, fruits, and lean meats will prime you for performance. You can scroll up to our response to Adrien. Thanks again for the question. Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!
Blake
IG also brought me here. I didn't know I was a demisexual before reading this. Who knew there was a term for people who just want to have sex with someone they love? ;-p But, it's not always easy to build that relationship. Any advice on this?
Seminal Wellness Team
Thanks for this vital question Blake. Building that relationship is vital for demisexuals and everyone else. You'll know early on (definitely, by the second date) if this is a person who wants to get to know you. Are they just focused on them? Are they listening to you? Physical affection early on isn't a deal breaker or red flag, once it isn't intrusive or too aggressive. Even for the first date, do something that will allow you both to get to know each other well before dinner or s movie. For this, it's key to find someone who shares your interests. It could be a quick volunteer event, a short run, etc. You'll get more insight into the person--as they will with you--and you can start building a relationship, that connection, from the outset. I'll also say, from experience, when you meet that person, it won't take long to build that connection. Oftentimes, you'll have it instantly. And, naturally, you won't wait long for intimacy. With the emotional bond, sex will only deepen it. It's not often, but real love can happen at first sight, first word, first dance...Just stay open. Whether with someone else, or on your own (for now), make it a great Valentine's Day!
Samuela Rivas
Does it matter how often?
Seminal Wellness Team
The maxim quality over quantity applies here particularly. You could have sex multiple times a day; but, if it's mediocre or bad sex, you won't get all the benefits (of anything, that would bring dissatisfaction that would undermine your health). Once weekly of fun, flirty sex--or deep, enthralling, transformational sex--that's fulfilling is better than 4 to 5 times a week of "eh." We all have lives to live. Sex has to be part of a balanced life, in which you're meeting all your responsibilities. The frequency that helps you feel satisfied, as you're fulfilling your duties, is the right one. Thanks for the question Samuela
KJ
I'm still nailing my (G) spots. How can I find out for sure?
Seminal Wellness Team
Thanks for the candidly important question KJ. G spots are different from person to person; but, these are a few of the erogenous zones that will expedite climax: the clitoris; the nipples (including, the areolae, or the skin around the nipples); the butt; and, of course, the vagina. A light touch, soft rub, soft pressure, harder pressure--or, a vibration--in these areas can get you to an orgasm in moments. For the clitoris, rubbing on the thighs or on the stomach can maximize blood flow. Medium pressure, encircling it, can also bring satisfaction. Tongue thrusts, on the underside, are especially effective. For the nipples, circling (especially on the areolae) can also be stimulating, or sucking tenderly, with medium pressure. For the butt, squeezing and spanking, rubs up and down, or anal sex (if both you and your partner or comfortable). Lubrication is essential for anal. For the vagina, teasing with the finger, especially near the opening can get you warmed up, before penetration (if you choose). Gradual penetration--one finger, then two fingers, etc.--can help get you in the zone (literally, open you up) before penile (or vibrator) penetration. Varying the depth of insertion (e.g., going deeper with each thrust), pressure (getting "rammed," or "ramming," increasingly harder), or rate (starting off slowly, and going more quickly, hitting those G spots more as you progress) will also heighten satisfaction. The inner thigh (rubbing, sliding digits, medium pressure) is also a common erogenous zone. The best way to pinpoint yours is through masturbation, especially using a vibrator (if you don't have one, grab one, regardless of your relationship status). Of course, knowing how to time, approaches--in terms of when they are hit, for how long, and for how often--is key in making the episodes last longer, and to maximize arousal, ultimately maximizing satisfaction (e.g., hit the most responsive areas, and hardest, later or last). Stimulate the above and other areas (by some accounts, there are 31), and see which ones are the most responsive. And be adventurous; try all parts of your body (again, what doesn't do it for someone else may be exactly the place for you). Suggest these areas to your partner or "direct" them. Let your partner know you want to know theirs too--or explore them together--so it's mutually satisfying. If your on your own, just keep hitting those spots to maximize your please (see why I said you need a vibrator? ;-)). There's a lot of "advice"; but, don't worry about the playbooks. Explore what works best for you, and, if it applies, your partner. It'll be great.
KnockingUp
We're trying to get pregnant. What are the best positions (no need to get R- or X-rated)?
Seminal Wellness Team
We'll keep it clean(er). Thanks for the question. Full, deep penetration--namely, through missionary (partner on top) or doggy style (partner from behind)--is the most effective. "Rhythm" or frequency is critical too. If you're not already, intercourse at least every 2 to 3 days, after your period ends, also raises the chance of conception. If you want to make it a bit more interesting, but still have odds in favor of fertilization, you can also add the cowgirl (riding, but facing your partner); reverse cowgirl (riding, but back to your partner, facing their feet); standing; or sitting on your partner's lap to the mix. Let it go from "knocking" to "knocked" ;-)
Nick
Is this why it's called seminal?
Seminal Wellness Team
[See what we did there] There are a few reasons...
Sonia
My husband has been sick for about eight years, and we stopped having sex. Are there ways we can restore intimacy?
Seminal Wellness Team
Yes, you can Sonia. Thanks for the question. Intimacy does not require "heavy" or vigorous sex, or even penetration (as many in our audience will attest). Intimacy just means connection, and attending to each other's desires, with mutual satisfaction (and, ideally, fulfillment) being the ultimate goal. Sensuous rubs (especially, in areas that are/continue to be responsive for both of you); long, deep, lingering kisses; suggestive finger slides; and sitting on the lap, with gentle straddling, or a few ideas. The long, deep, lingering kisses could be used to stimulate intercourse (tongues are so versatile). You love this man, and he loves you back. You both know how to make each other happy. And, depending on the constraints and limits (as diagnosed by the doctor), even a few moments of moving intimacy will be treasured. Your, and your husband's, creativity is the path to your fulfillment. Thanks again.
dl
I've kinda been insecure about my size (< 6"). How do I make them overlook it (I just walked right into that)?
Seminal Wellness Team
Yeah, you did, but we got you ;-) I think it's more about you getting past it. Despite what "society" says, you can still be attractive, and sexy, if you're smaller. Your partner won't even think about size, once you're satisfying them (i.e., you know how to use it). What may be lost in depth and penetration can be more than made up pressure (hardness of the thrust), rhythm (quickness and duration of thrusts), and placement (areas of contact, where you "hit"). Oral and foreplay will help in building "appreciation." Let them become very familiar with it before intercourse--grabbing, mouthing, rubbing, etc.--and its response will build anticipation. Hit the back of their throat (cradle and edge their head forward as needed) to make them feel how far you can go. Fingering will also build "appreciation." During foreplay and intercourse, give love to all areas of your partner's body, especially "perceived" shortcomings. You're not attracted despite of... all of it turns you on. That mutual appreciation and affection will not only build trust, it will also raise arousal. Be proud of what you have, and even prouder of what it can do. Thanks for the question.
Lok
I've been on 2 dates with a guy, and we're into each other. The thing is, I'm trans and I don't think he knows. Should I have told him earlier?
Seminal Wellness Team
This is such an important question. You hear that you should be coy on first dates; but, if both of you are lucky enough to have a connection, be open. This is someone you could spend a significant amount of time with, so let them know (some) key details, especially if it impacts gender and sexuality (politely and discretely, but still clearly). Send him a short text, just saying you want to fill him in on something; but, it needs to be in person. End it with, "Is that okay?" Keep it casual. If he agrees (it's all right, if he doesn't), bring it up at the beginning of the third day. It shows that you're honest, and you won't be hiding things from him. If you've fully transitioned (i.e., have undergone SRS) this may not even be an issue. But, if you care about him, and the feelings are mutual (it seems they are) you'll want to be honest. And, give him space to respond, let him say, and feel, all he needs. Bear in mind, he may want to explore first; and, that can take some time. He may be absolutely fine with it (no matter how far you've transitioned, or plan to transition, especially if he's pansexual or has those leanings). It's also okay if that precludes a romantic relationship for him. At the very least, you'll have a good friend (it seems like you already do). As with any healthy relationship, you need to respect, and honor, each other's preferences and needs. Never be afraid to be open, and live your truth--and let your partner(s) do the same--particularly when you have earned each other's trust. The confidence must be mutual. It's not too late. Whatever form the relationship takes, it'll be worth it.
Ty
Y'all thinking about sex toys?
Seminal Wellness Team
Not in the pipeline now, but we may consider it.
-XX-XY
I'm a two spirit teen. Who should I get with? I'm still exploring my sexuality and I'm nervous about what I to do.
Seminal Wellness Team
Thanks so much for the question. If you don't have it already, find peers, or build a solid circle of friends--in-person or through socials--that appreciate your two-spirit identity, and let you be your authentic self There are also organizations to which you can reach out for additional support, resources, and advocacy if needed (feel free to reach out, particularly for local chapters, if you need some help). Just as importantly, don't feel like you have to rush into sex. It's only the right time, the right person, etc. when it's right for you. That also applies to what "you should be doing." Don't feel that you need to assume any role, position...you do what's right for you and your partner, whenever that applies. Be open to anyone--regardless of sexuality and orientation--who is open to you. They could be heterosexual, gay, lesbian, pansexual, etc. Anybody who cares for you will accept you fully, and will be willing to explore with you, fully, toward satisfying each other. You want to stay open to. Have no constraints and forget about the labels. The right person, people, will do the same. Thanks again.
Gulis
I really appreciated the details about sex's benefits. I learned a lot. But, I haven't felt like having sex in a long time. What might be causing this?
Seminal Wellness Team
Thanks for the question. There could be a variety of reasons (if you've also lost interest in other activities or have experienced changes in other behaviors, please consult a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist) but oftentimes it's sleep deprivation. Diminished sex drive could be a symptom of sleep deprivation. Along with that, there may be a lot of distractions that are preventing you from truly connecting with yourself. Take a few moments--at the beginning or end of the day, or both--to reconnect. Picture your favorite place, visualize achieving your dream, etc. You want to think of something that will satisfy you. Yes, these moments can also be spent masturbating. You need to remind yourself how good sex could be, and desire that again with someone else. You may be putting everyone and everything before yourself. Make some time for you now.
Chao
How do you feel about triads?
Seminal Wellness Team
Triads (throuples, ménage à trois, etc.)--once the needs and preferences of all members are respected--are fine. Often enough, there's at least one member who feels neglected, unsatisfied, or used. If there's true equity and affection, triads can deliver fulfillment. If a member wants to end it, or leave the triad, the decision should be honored, without retribution. Healthy relationships are mutual relationships, no matter how many are involved. Thanks for the question.
Django
I'm hung (10"). Sometimes chicks get a little scared. How do I know ease them in?
Seminal Wellness Team
You already know ;-) but I'll offer a few more tips. It's been a theme throughout this time, but it's worth reiterating that foreplay is key. Let her hold it, savor it...build anticipation. Once she's relaxed, excited, there won't be an issue. You also want to help to open her up. Rim her (vaginally and/or anally), rub, tenderly finger the labia. Tease her with the head. Of course, don't ram it in initially. Tenderly slide, easing...increase velocity and pressure as she really gets comfortable, gets wetter, gets a good hold. She'll be more than happy.