The Love You Need
What Matters
Checklist
- Someone who listens to and appreciates my ideas
- Someone who enjoys displays of affection
- Someone who will support my going to graduate school
- Someone who will give me the space to start a non-profit
- Frequent intimacy (at least 5x weekly)
Self-Care
Even in the most nurturing relationships, you need time to nurture yourself. Make "me time"—trying a new exercise, getting your hair done, playing your favorite game, etc.—or hanging with your friends. And, don't forget your wants and needs. Always make time to:
- Reflect on your day, and celebrate the wins
- Connect with your joys. What can you do today to fuel your passion (even if it's brief)?
- Decompress. It may have been a challenging day, but be grateful that you had the strength to power through it.
Is there something more you need from your partner? Are there better ways to resolve disputes or relieve the tension? Do you want your partner to participate in a favorite hobby (and are you willing to partake in theirs)? Also, don't forget about your goals, and adjust schedules accordingly. Let your partner know you may need more time at work, or even during weekends, for an ambitious project. You'd like to resume pursuing your degree. You can do all that and still give to yourself. Date night might not be every week but you could still do twice a month. You might not be able to have a longer conversation during the day, but you can send each other short, sweet texts that show your affection. You don't have to wait till birthdays or holidays for gifts. You can get a small but thoughtful token each week. Sex four times a week may not work now; but, you could have longer, extended, and deeper sessions on weekends. You can pursue your goals as you nurture your relationship (it just takes some creativity).
Leaving Unhealthy Relationships
Unfortunately, not all relationships are happy and nurturing. Some are suffocating. Some are depressing. Some are debilitating. Some are downright dangerous. You need to get out. First, contact those you can trust and work with them on a plan, from being the ride that gets you away to temporary shelter. But, sometimes those closest aren't available. You can reach out to local domestic-violence organizations; mental-health hotlines and websites; crisis-services programs; or shelters for youth, women, and members of the LGBTQIA community (National Health System, n.d.). Whichever option is best for you, do not endure the pain. Seek safety from the first time something untoward happens. Take that as a sign. Get out while you still can. The road will be uncertain, but there's always help available. When you're safe, you'll always find solutions.
Things can get hard, but don't despair. You have a beautiful life to live. We'll help you protect it. If you or someone you love has thoughts of suicide, please call text or call 988.
Relationship Goals
1 Comments
Ty Whitcomb
I feel like I give too much of myself in relationships, like I like lose control. And, I lose some of myself. How do I fall in love while not getting too deep?
Seminal Wellness Team
Right, how do you fall in without falling apart? Thanks for the question Ty. We don't want to be afraid of falling in love, of being passionately connected to someone else. Particularly, of this person cares for you, nurtures you, and loves you back. But, you can't forget about your goals, your needs, and your desires. Actually, a real partner would treasure those as much as their own, and help you be your best self. If you're the only one whose compromising, sacrificing, and giving, you have to get out. It's not the love you want, and definitely not the one you need. Real love doesn't make you lose yourself; it helps you support each other. Just stay open, you'll find it.