Posted by Seminal Wellness Team on 1/1/2025 to
News
It's the beginning of the year, and we're all told to look forward. What about if the back keeps beckoning? Your partner died in an accident. You lost the baby. More than half your family was killed in a bombing. You were diagnosed with cancer. You lost your job in the last round of layoffs. The anger, the sadness, the hopelessness—the grief—won't let you move on. How about getting past it? You're attracted to the friend who's been checking in. You've started an exercise routine that's getting you through chemo. You meet all the criteria for the start up grant. The struggle is real; but, the awaiting opportunities are even bigger. Let's look at how to turn your grief into growth.
Impacts of Grief
Impacts of Grief
Impacts of Grief
Anyone who has suffered a loss or hardship can attest to how it pounds, pummels, and pillages. The wind stripped from a dream shattered. The crash of a relationship collapsing. The scorching flames of a best friend's betrayal. Whatever the cause, grief wounds. Grief raises the risk of depression, anxiety, and PTSD (Bolaséll et al., 2024; Janshen & Elsma, 2024; Levi-Belz & Blank, 2023). It could also raise the risk of suicide (Levi-Belz & Blank, 2023). Grief is a frequent concomitant of trauma (Hasson-Ohayon & Horesh, 2024; Kienzler et al., 2024). But, the effects are not only psychological. Grief and depression could increase cardiovascular-disease risk (Shinada et al., 2023). Grief can even morph into complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder, which could trigger chronic disease (Szuhany et al., 2021).
As brutal as the injury is, you can recover. Social support and a spirituality foundation can relieve grief symptoms (Shinada et al., 2023). Those with higher levels of resilience recover more quickly amid physical and psychological crises (Gee et al., 2023; McDarby et al., 2023). More optimistic cancer patients experienced lower levels of pain and fatigue (Calderon et al., 2019). The battle scars are badges of honor that will help you guide others. Remember, this is just an episode; no need to make it your final act.
As brutal as the injury is, you can recover. Social support and a spirituality foundation can relieve grief symptoms (Shinada et al., 2023). Those with higher levels of resilience recover more quickly amid physical and psychological crises (Gee et al., 2023; McDarby et al., 2023). More optimistic cancer patients experienced lower levels of pain and fatigue (Calderon et al., 2019). The battle scars are badges of honor that will help you guide others. Remember, this is just an episode; no need to make it your final act.Recognizing and Surmounting Shattered Dreams
Your side might have lost the election. Your parent, and greatest supporter, just passed. The deal you put so much of your money, and effort, into has fallen through. You have to recognize and accept what you've lost. Don't skim over it; don't rationalize; don't immediately skip to the next thing (or the next person). If you don't deal with it now, it'll batter you much later than it should. Face your sadness, fears, and rage head on. There's no "right" way to do it, but here's a possible template:
- Week 1
- Spend 3 min, at least five times daily, visualizing the loss—the abject pain and hurt. Picture the worst moments, most tragic, and devastating aspects. Come to heartbreaking terms with it.
- Take at least 5 min, twice daily, picturing your loved one—whether or not they're still with us—motivating you, and reminding you what needs to be done.
- Tell yourself that you're strong enough, and good enough, to get through this. All those who love you want to see you thriving. We all want you to be at your best—and happiest. You got this.
- Week 2
- Create an action plan—with at least three overarching goals and three driving objectives—for what you still want.
- Contact the people and organizations that will help you actualize, and gather "point people" (reliable contact information with scheduled check-ins)
- Conduct weekly progress assessments for at least the first month, and monthly progress assessments thereafter
- Week 3
- Take 5-10 min, when you wake up, envisioning the productive day ahead.
- Zone out—with singular focus—during each activity, whether it's a professional task, time with your kids, or a household chore. Make every moment a meditation or meditative practice. Appreciate you have the energy and the skill (no matter what, you do) to even engage. There won't be time for distraction or to be detailed
- Take 5-10 min, before you go to bed, appreciating what you got done, what you got through, and how you're closer to realizing the dreams
Life will no longer be as it is nor will it be as it should. So, what do you do? You make it better. You can still fulfill your dreams, and can conceive of even greater ones. It's just gotten harder.
Not Brooding or Assigning Blame
You want to face, even confront, your feelings. You may even need to be more wary of your space (to process the experience or to keep yourself safe). You want to right the wrongs, as much as possible. But, don't wallow in your pain or indulge in avenging for past hurts. It may give momentary satisfaction, but in the end it detracts from your focus and whittles down the precious energy you need for moving forward. Reflect on the memories and lessons from those who came before that will continue to nurture you. Consider how this loss, though it may be life-changing, can help you be valuable to someone else, and help them manage the pain. Pledge to pay it forward. Pain should never Come in vain. Use the most harrowing and trying experiences to learn more about yourself and the systems around you, for your success and others' benefit. Don't waste your time on anger. Concentrate on advancement.
Move Past Blaming Yourself
You don't want to waste time blaming others; and, don't waste energy blaming yourself. Oftentimes when a loved one passes, a business collapses, or a relationship falls apart, we're prone to ruminating, and dwelling, on what more could have been done. "Maybe I should have intervened more." "Maybe we should have brought the consultant on." "Maybe I should have listened more." The answer may very well be a resounding "yes" to all those questions. Even if that's the case, this situation is over. The best you can do is apply these insights to the next project, challenge, or relationship. You'll likely didn't do better because you didn't know better. Now you do. Now, you can bring your better self with all you do.
Make the Best of the Worst
Let's face it; sometimes, it is that bad. You lost your home and all your possessions in the hurricane or wildfire. You lost your decades-long best friend and partner, who 
might have known you better than yourself. Next year, you may not be able to talk or move without assistance. You don't want to—and you can't— sugarcoat any of this. What do you do? Focus on gathering the resources that can be of assistance, and think about the tools you still have. Reach out to family, the Red Cross, and similar organizations for assistance. Set up a GoFundMe and connect on social—Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, etc.—to those who are going through similar experiences, and with whom you can collaborate to build something better. Yes, you're left with the worst, but you now have the opportunity to build something even better. Nothing is impossible. It'll just take longer.
might have known you better than yourself. Next year, you may not be able to talk or move without assistance. You don't want to—and you can't— sugarcoat any of this. What do you do? Focus on gathering the resources that can be of assistance, and think about the tools you still have. Reach out to family, the Red Cross, and similar organizations for assistance. Set up a GoFundMe and connect on social—Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, etc.—to those who are going through similar experiences, and with whom you can collaborate to build something better. Yes, you're left with the worst, but you now have the opportunity to build something even better. Nothing is impossible. It'll just take longer.Don't Overlook the Problems Revealed
Let's be honest though, was it all really that great? Your parent may have been a hulking influence that didn't let you express or discover yourself. That relationship, as passionate as it was, was really a mindtrip of codependency. That job paid well; but, you were really caged in a velvet prison. You lovingly and valiantly cared for your loved one. But, you need to save more. You definitely have to add more specialists to your network. If you don't get treatment for your alcoholism, you'll suffer the same fate. That family secret was holding everyone hostage (and a back-breaking strain to look "perfect"). Whether it was a natural disaster, a strained relationship, or a catastrophic accident, you lost your loved one because they didn't listen, try to find safety, or get out. It can be a tragic cautionary tale that blaringly alerts not to make the same mistake. Don't try to get back to normal. "Normal" wasn't good anyway. Manage the problems that have been exposed.
Part of the issues is you likely weren't making time for yourself. Now is the time to focus on your dreams. As another bulwark, you and your friends can start a mental-health and job-training program LGBTQIA+ young people. You've always wanted to visit multiple continents. You wanted to try your hand at improv. Maybe you have the answer to the climate crisis; you just need the funding for a pilot program. Life gas undoubtedly changed; but, it's teeming with possibilities. How far can you go?
What Do You Still Have?
You still have your skills. You still have connections. You still have your perspective. Above all, you still have your life. By banding together with like minds, building your refuge of support, and gathering resources, anything that's worthwhile can be accomplished. If something is out of your reach now, work with your team, and consult with experts, about how to get it. This also goes for personal matters. You can start, and continue, on the road to recovery, despite the setbacks. You can smart small, and even take a second job, to build another nest egg. You can repair the relationship, if it's worth enough to both of you. You're always surrounded by Help. Once you're open, the Source always provides, comforts, and guides you forward. You'll have everything you need.
Losses Bring Opportunities
Even if it feels like you're left with nothing, you always have the tools to start building—even just ideas, and the drive to succeed. You have learned a lot from your experience and an even more informed perspective. You also have at least a few who want to help you along the way. Start being the change you need to see.
Grief pulled you to the bottom. But, ground zero may be pole position.
References
Bolaséll, L.T., Abadi, A.M., Brunnet, A.E., Kristensen, C.H., & Elsma, M.C. (2024). Correlates of prolonged grief, posttraumatic stress and depression symptoms in Brazilian COVID-19 bereaved adults. Death Studies, 2024. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2024.2381775
Calderon, C., Carmona-Bayonas, A., Hernández, R., Ghanem, I., Castelo, B., Martinez de Castro, E., Ferreira, E., Ciria, L., Muñiz, M., & Jimenez-Fonseca, P. (2019). Effects of pessimism, depression, fatigue, and pain on functional health-related quality of life in patients with respected non-advanced breast cancer. The Breast, 44(2019), 108-112. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.breast.2019.01.012
Gee, G., Hulbert, C., Kennedy, H., & Paradies, Y. (2023). Cultural determinants and resilience and recovery factors associated with trauma among Aboriginal help-seeking clients from an Aboriginal community-controlled counseling service. BMC Psychiatry, 23(1), no. 155. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-023-04567-5
Hasson-Ohayon, I. & Horesh, D. (2024). A unique combination of horror and longing: Traumatic grief in post-October 7, 2023 Israel. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 2024. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.23026
Janshen, A. & Elsma, M.C. (2024). Bidirectional associations between prolonged grief symptoms and depressive, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress symptoms: A systematic review. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 2024, 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.23061
Kienzler, H., Daniel, G., Hammoudeh, W., Nashashibi, R., Abu-Jamei, Y., & Giacaman, R. (2024). Unbearable suffering: Mental health consequences of the October 2023 Israeli military assault on the Gaza Strip. BMJ Global Health, 9(9), e014835. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjgh-2023-014835
Levi-Belz, Y. & Blank, C. (2023). The longitudinal contribution of prolonged grief to depression and suicide risk in the aftermath of suicide loss: The moderating role of self-criticism. Journal of Affective Disorders, 340(1), 658-666. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2023.08.023
Martins, H., Romeiro, J., Casaleiro, T., Vieira, M., Caldeira, S. (2024). Insights on spirituality and bereavement: A systematic review of qualitative studies. The Journal of Clinical Nursing, 33(5), 1593-1603. https://doi.org/10.1111/jocn.17052
McDarby, G., Seifeldin, R., Zhang, Y., Mustafa, S., Petrova, M., Schmets, G., Porignon, D., Dalil, S., & Saikat, S. (2023). A synthesis of concepts of resilience to inform operationalization of health systems resilience in recovery from disruptive public health events including COVID-19. Frontiers in Public Health, 11(2023), 1105537. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2023.1105537
Shinada, K., Kohno, T., Fukuda, K., Higashitani, M., Kawamatsu, N., Kitai, T., Shibata, T., Takei, M., Nochioka, K., Nakazawa, G., Shiomi, H., Miyashita, M., & Mizuno, A. (2023). BMJ Supportive and Palliative Care, 13(e3). https://spcare.bmj.com/content/13/e3/e990
Szuhany, K.L., Malgaroli, M., Miron, C.D., & Simon, N.M. (2021). Prolonged grief disorder: Course, diagnosis, assessment, and treatment. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8475918/
3 Comments
Cindy Orr
Date
1/3/2025
This was the first Christmas without my mom. I lugged through the holidays; but, after reading this post, I had a different perspective. I spent the first part of New Year's listening, happily, to my mom's favorite album. After, I recorded a short video about my greatest dreams, and what I'll do this year to pursue them. I'll replay it at least weekly. 2025 will be my year--in honor of mom. Thanks
Seminal Wellness Team
Date
1/3/2025
Your mom's proud of you, and we're proud of you, Cindy. 2025 is already starting out beautifully. Continued blessings.
Dominic Mastro
Date
1/4/2025
It comes in waves, whenever. Sometimes even when I'm at work, in a meeting, it hits me. My best friend was killed by a drunk driver. Mourning a spouse, child, parent, etc. are "approved," but friends you should get over quickly. How do I deal, even without that support?
Seminal Wellness Team
Date
1/4/2025
Thanks, deeply, Dominic. You asked this question for a lot of people, and many are struggling like this. First, let the feelings come on; don't try to beat them back or shove them aside. Wipe away the tears when you need to. But, just as you go deep, also make the time to focus in. Cherish all the memories you had with your friend, the lessons you learned, and what you taught them. Also, don't forget that you're still here, and you have another day. And, that's another day of love to give, fears to conquer, and life to live. The best way to deal is living in the moment--embracing your feelings, along with all the opportunities--and surrounding yourself with people who understand and appreciate you, including mourning your friend. Sometimes you need to take time out, and those who love you will afford you that space. Best friends mean so much. They always leave us with a legacy. Grab on to that while you continue to build yours.
Li Chin
Date
1/7/2025
You mentioned making the best of a bad situation. How do you just pick yourself right up without dishonoring the person's memory?
Seminal Wellness Team
Date
1/7/2025
Thanks for this question Li. Once you apply the lessons they've taught you, continue to give back in ways they treasured, and spread the love they always had, you can never dishonor your loved one. Your loved one would want you to move forward and be your best, while keeping their memory alive through your deeds. Your activity, your good work, will only burnish their legacy. And, your success only buoys their memory. Thanks again for the question. Continued blessings.